In what I consider to be a timeless classic film "The Neverending Story", based on the novel by Michael Ende , there is a scene, where Atreyu is seeking counsel with an oracle, and in order to reach the oracle, he is told he must pass through two gates, the second of which is known as the "Magic Mirror Gate", and when speaking of it, Professor Engywook says "...Atreyu has to face his true self...kind men, find that they are cruel. Brave men find they are really cowards, and most men run away screaming".
I have reached the "Magic Mirror Gate" of my life...or at least, one of them.
When I gave birth to my first child, I passed through one of these gates, and passed with flying colors. I planned a home birth with professional midwives, I had support from family and friends and I was somehow able to get through a very long and exhausting labor by simply (and not so simply) letting go of any expectation, save for trusting my body and knowing that my "team" would take care of me if I needed a real intervention. It worked. I zenned through it and came out on the other side, euphoric and triumphant and validated and strong. I face my "true" self and I was braver than I thought.
That got me through about 3 months...and then the flood gates opened.
I had a huge falling out with my best friend of almost 15 years after having already been betrayed by another life-long friend the year prior. I felt abandoned and angry...but did my best to start over and make new friends and meet other moms. Then, my (a little while later) toddler son started biting his friends for no clear reason. Shortly after that new phase, which cost us friends and much frustration, I experienced my first miscarriage. One month later my husband had back surgery, then six months later more miscarriage, re-connect with estranged friends including the "BF", pregnant again...this one is sticking, THEN, the car accident which "totaled" our car but left us unscathed the same week my husband starts his new job...then, we (willingly and excitedly) relocated from a relatively vacuous suburb after having MADE all those new friends to a rural town in a new state where we don't know anybody and the night we arrive, my grandmother died. Two months later I had a second home birth which yielded one new (happy and healthy) baby. My husband still has that job that takes him away for as much as 5 days at a time. There are a few other things in between in there, but you get the picture.
That is a lot of "life" for a 2-3 year period. There are a lot of blessings on that list and even the less "pleasant" events brought great blessings with them...but the relentless wave of LIFE EXPERIENCE took it's toll. Some very high highs, and some very low lows...but it wasn't until the miscarriage that I really started to descend. I mean, I cried almost every other night about the loss of my best friend, mostly an angry cry..but still...and all of that was going on post pardam...but that first pregnancy loss was devastating and it took me almost two years to feel the full reality of how deeply that effected me. I am still coping with it really, and I may forever have the image of that still sonogram in my mind thanks to the a-hole of a OB...but while I have spiraled down through depression (undiagnosed...but lets be realistic here...) and feeling as though my entire personality changed and wondering who I am and where I went...I am finally on the "upswing".
I have found though, that the mirror gate works both ways. We must pass back through it if we want to get to that next level; journey up the spiral and through that damn gate, and face our true selves and all of our flaws and all of our mistakes and see ourselves through Truthful eyes, but without judgment...to really look at ones self and see "self" as the sum of all. This is not for the sake of blame or labels or even praise and identity...but for the sake of connection. It is connection that I miss now, the feeling of knowing with all of my heart and soul that I am a part of a Whole; one with the Earth and all her creatures. It's as if having someone die within my body tore a hole somewhere, and part of my spirit leaked out, draining me of my spark little by little. I feel like at this point, I have found the hole and I am finally able to allow it to heal...but the real question is, how do I fill all that empty space left behind? How long will that take?
I made choices, a LOT of major choices while grieving, and I am still grieving. The stars aligned for me to be right here, right now and striving to create this life that I have dreamed of for so long...for my children, for my husband, for me. I have experienced the power of intention and am a big fan of using vision boards to help realize one's goals and dreams. I had one that helped us make the move we wanted, however scary and massive it has been, and I intend to break out the thumb tacks again to start putting all of this pent-up anxiety and life energy to good use.
I have tried to blog before. My first one was supposed to be a mommy rant blog, then I started one about cleaning house, then I tried writing about making a Waldorf home in a modern age. None of them really got "going". I had these bursts of inspiration...and then not enough time to follow through on them...so part of this blog is my personal "home work"; a way for me to have an outlet and meditation. I figure, I can write about all of those things...and more! Fact is, I have a little to say about a lot of things...and I'm not an expert on any of them by any means...so there you go. My goal is to keep things on the positive and focus my energy to create momentum within my life and perhaps, to inspire anyone who reads along.
I have read that the human body regenerates itself in seven year cycles. I have read this in several different places and it was known through folk wisdom for years before the scientific testing to "prove" such a thing even existed, but it is true. Maybe that is when I will feel "right" again.
All of this has all left me in a sort of...flip floppy insanity. I spent so much time, focused on the move and making our relocation happen...finding a house, packing while pregnant...it was like carrying an enormous rucksack up a mountain...and when I finally got to the top, I was able to take it off...and all the exhaustion and remaining bottled up grief just rose up and knocked me over.
As for the title...I think it speaks for itself. I was thinking about all of these survivalist and homesteading blogs I've been reading, and while they are chock-full of ideas and tips that are quite useful, I just can't see myself as a "survivalist". That word conjurs up images of suffering and victimization...or just "getting by", none of which seem proactive or intentional enough for me in any positive way, so I decided that I am a "thrivalist"; one who aims to be nourished by life and turn anything and everything into an opportunity. Then I "googled" the term and apparently I'm not the only one who has thought of this...but so what?
Clearly I have the ability to thrive, as do we all...because we are "...all a part of the never ending story".
Yesterday is over, today is what we have, tomorrow could bring anything...and so the story continues...
